Wednesday, December 11, 2013

FIVE SENTENCE FICTION - Alone



Well today I'm back giving my response to Lillie's current word prompt for this week and not the retro ones I've been doing recently. I also want to THANK Lillie for choosing the word I'd sent her as this week's prompt and I hope everyone has fun responding to it.

ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD

All had been marvelous in Alice’s, an unwed mother, life since she’d just given birth to a gorgeous baby girl.

Loving her child came easy as she also had a job which paid her enough so her child would never go wanting.

Only there was a dark specter looming over Alice and her child that no one saw coming, a specter which came during a normal occurrence which everyone at one time or another might have experienced during a hospital admission or a visit to the emergency room.

No one would have expected that the blood transfusion she’d received during the caesarian delivery of her child could have been contaminated with the AIDS virus.

Ellen, the gorgeous child Alice had given birth to, now has to go through the rest of her life with the love of strangers and not that of her own mother.



Notice the acrostic format this week, some which is almost becoming a trademark of my responses.

27 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. THANKS for taking the time to leave your comment here, I appreciate all the feedback I get as it tells me how successful I've been in writing this.

      Delete
    2. I am brand new, here, read about 2 books a week..have written, but not as
      a profession. Liked this, I look for twists...good one

      Delete
    3. @ Catblueberry - THANKS for stopping by and leaving your kind compliment. I'm glad you liked my first endeavor for Friday Fictioneers

      Delete
  2. This is a truth that happened to an acquaintance of mine, only she contracted HIV from her child's father. She died in June of 2000. Her daughter was raised by her grandmother; She is now 17 years old.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Illsa
      THANKS for leaving your kind comment.
      I'm glad you've acknowledged the truth in what I've written as it makes this flash fiction that much more poignant,

      This is one of five flash fictions I've contributed to an anthology whose theme is HIV/AIDS, some of which are rewrites of other FSF I've written to make it more appropriated for the theme of the anthology.

      Delete
  3. I enjoy your format for the prompts. I liked this one, too, though so sad.
    Thank you for the word as it fit my story so well!
    Scott
    Mine: http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2013/12/12/fsf-five-sentence-fiction-alone-solitary-non-confinement-r/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Scott

      THANKS for your comment I glad you felt the emotion I wanted to elicit from those who'd read this. And you're quite welcomed concern the word I gave to Lillie to use as this week's prompt word.

      Delete
  4. Hi. Thanks for inviting me to read this. I love the idea of acrostic stories - I've only ever seen acrostic poems. Just one small comment, hope you don't mind, I think the first sentence is a little awkward. Either the apostrophe 's' should be on the 'unwed mother' or you could say 'unwed mother, Alice's'. Just a thought

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANKS for your feedback.

      I'm using the phrase "an unwed mother" as a descriptive clarifier for Alice. It's an interjection, which is why I've set it off my commas.

      Another example: Joe, the senior class president, led the memorial procession for the four students who died last week in the school bus accident.

      So what did you thing of my endeavor itself.

      Delete
  5. Very much enjoyed the twist. Sad, but yet hopeful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANKS Thom for your comment. I'm glad you enjoyed the sad but truthful twist at the end. Luckily with all the screening that gets done on blood these days, it's truly hopeful that tragedies like this won't happen again.

      Delete
  6. Very sad but interesting twist.
    Good work with the acrostic and the five sentences.
    keep it up

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Nada
      THANKS for compliment. I love using the acrostic format when I write my five sentence responses since it adds a level of difficulty to the challenge,

      Delete
  7. Good, but sad twist at the end. Nice work with the acrostic form!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANKS for your compliment and feedback. I appears as if everyone who's read this, whether they've commented or not, are unanimous in agreeing it is well written, likes the acrostic format I used, and find the sad twist at the end intriguing.

      Delete
  8. Very interesting, these five sentence exercises. I like this format and your story.

    I have to agree with broken biro, though.The descriptive clarifier (interjection)is fine, even if used before the name 'Alice'. I see the possessive 's' as awkward, also because it should be closer to the word 'life', the thing owned. I would move the clarifier before Alice or put the apostrophe on the word mother.
    Your example is good, but doesn't show a sign of possesion.jmo(just my opinion)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Ey

      THANKS for your feedback. But I've seen what I've done before. If you remove "an unwed mother" from the sentence it now reads "Alice's life" which is okay, All I did is to add the interjection of "an unwed mother". An interjection by definition is an interruption, so using this interrupts the flow of the sentence which exists without these words. I hope my explanation clarifies when I used it the way I did.

      Have a GREAT WEEK !!! :-) :-) :-)

      Delete
  9. Oh, I understand, perfectly. The clarifier is great and shouldn't be removed, what Alice is possessing seems out of place. Just my opinion, no need to change your piece.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Constructive criticism/feedback helps both side learn something

      I believe this example should clarify that you're referring to: Joe, the senior class president, led the memorial procession for the student who died last week in the school bus accident. As you can see in this sentence if you eliminate who Joe is from it, the sentence is fine, however we have no idea of who Joe is. I could have written: "Joe, the brother of Michael, led the ....
      In what I wrote you have Alice's life being interrupted by the phrase , "an unwed mother"

      Delete
    2. The difference in both is the possessive 's', which made the flow (to me as the reader) and context harder. Joe is possessing nothing, while Alice is either holding onto her calrifier as a single mother or her life. I (and maybe others) had to reread that sentence to get the gist, when our goal as writer is to make the reading smooth for the reader.
      True, constructive criticism teaches us all and I am willing to stand on both sides.

      Delete
  10. Thank you for inviting me to look at your story.

    Love what you did with the letters and beginning every paragraph with them. I would have never have thought of that with past five-letter word prompts, but if there is ever another in the future, I might give it a shot.

    The story itself started promising, beginning with Ellen's bright future ahead that quickly plunged into a world we never think will ever happen to us or those we love. This certainly made me feel fortunate to appreciate the things I do have like family and friends and not fret not over the other things that I do not.

    Thank you for sharing and dropping in to comment on my contribution for 5SF. See you on the next round, I hope! =D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANKS for your feedback and lovely compliment.

      If you read back on my responses to the comments I've received you'll know why I loved using this format. The thing is I'm not limited in using this format for just words with five letters. I'd like to invite you to click on November and check what I did with the prompts of LETTERS, DANCING and ERASED [The first two I feel are better than the third]

      Delete
  11. Very sad and scary, an enemy that can't be defended against. Love the acrostic, and it's a good tight story.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANKS for your feedback and compliment. That's what FSF is all about, telling a complete story in a mere five sentences. Love to read your future comments

      Delete
  12. Nicely written. Short, sad and poignant

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANKS for your kind compliment. That's the objective in writing these Five Sentence Fictions, to pack as much power into these few sentences as possible.

      Have a Happy and Prosperous New Year

      Delete