A
MAGNETIC PERSONALITY
This
week Lillie [http://www.lilliemcferrin.com] has asked us to write a Five
Sentence Fiction response to her prompt of MAGNETIC. I couldn’t believe this has given me the
opportunity to disclose part of the storyline of my second romance writing
endeavor, a still untitled Contemporary romance.
After
Jessica’s car accident, William Griffith, a volunteer firefighter, came to her
aid by extricating her from her vehicle.
He placed her in a sitting position against her car, making sure she
was okay. After a few moments he saw Jessica trying to stand up and immediately
went to her side to give his assistance, and as he held her against his chest,
she felt a warm secure feeling which she never had experienced in a man’s arms
before. Perhaps this is why she accepted his offer to drive her home in his
SUV, and once there invited him inside.
After he told her that the SUV’s battery had died and that he
wouldn’t to get a boost until the next morning, Jessica offered Bill a spare
room to spend the night, not knowing that this would be the relationship she’d
always dreamt of having.
I
would definitely love to get feedback on this.
Robin
Leigh Morgan – YA Paranormal Romance Author
“I
Kissed a Ghost”
It's a nice piece. Feels like a summary for a longer one though.
ReplyDeleteThere is an extra 'her' here that ought to be removed 'position her against'. I personally don't like the word 'advised' here; others could find it ok, but it usually reminds me of business e-mails and legal stuff so I find it a rather heavy word in a prelude to a romantic story.
'Bill'? Who's Bill? Don't you mean William? ;) (looks like this Bill was on your mind rather than Mr. Griffith here)
I suppose crunching everything in five sentences has its cons. Personally, I'd like to know what kind of relationship they would have and the like.
Apart from helping Jessica, we don't get much about William/Bill's personality, so may be you could tuck in a bit here or there or just avoid the word 'personality' in the title to give you extra space to write.
Sorry for the lengthy commentary :$ - it happens.
Keep on writing and looking forward to your other posts.
In the actual story I only use a character's full given name a few times. The first being when they introduce themselves to us/another character; the rest of the times it's more informal. THNAKS for pointing out my errors...they've been dually corrected. These five sentences from the storyline are meant solely as a response to Lillie's prompt of "MAGNETIC" which I feel can be sensed in the way Jessica/Bill have interacted here. The storyline presented here has been greatly condensed, as I wanted to give any potential reader of the book their first taste of what's in store for them in the entire book.
DeleteTHANKS for stopping by and leaving your insightful comment.